Turtleneck Shirt

I've tucked my face in a turtleneck,
it's my comfort,
shielding my face to strangers,
This turtleneck has been my protection,
I love how it envelops me in it wooly texture,
my protection from people that see and judge me.

I hate it when people look and -
belittle me,
But I think I might be the cause of this -
misunderstanding.

I've never known the feeling of being confident,
nor care or encouragement from anyone,
these feelings are foreigners,
or I'm the stranger.

I've never hold my head up,
for I am never taught how to,
I guess with all the 'condescendingness' I never have the chance,
it has caused more harm to me and -
all I see is floor tiles.

I would usually sit in my corner,
looking around,
moving my pupils from one side of the room to another,
It's good to observe sometimes,
you'll know more than constant talk.

I don't know how to approach,
I wait like an obedient child,
I don't know how to talk,
unless spoken to,
I just watch as the world rotates.

Someday I may have the courage to talk,
Someday I may have the will to walk,
Someday I may be able to smile,
Someday I may be able to know appreciation,
but for now I'll sit here and watch.

Money, Money, Money

Money. The one word that everyone understand. When you're in a foreign country and asking for price, just rub your thumb with your pointing finger and middle finger. This movement signifies money. It will be universally understood.

The famous phrase: "Money can't buy happiness". But it can buy certain happiness. Certain happiness like cars, houses, jewelry, high-end brands, even health can be bought. Who says that these things can't make us happy. It CAN! But for how long? a minute, an hour, a day or a few years? That depends on the individual.

Money is the root of all evil. Well, when you want it to be. People would lie, murder, and betray just to get their pudgy hands on those leafy paper. When they have attain it, you will hear that evil laugh...you know the one like they show on tv. Greed comes hand in hand with money. The more we have attained the more we want it and cannot get enough of it, almost like a drug.

Borrowing and lending. These two terms are pretty familiar to us. We borrow money from anybody and lend to somebody. In reality, when desperation kicks in we would borrow from anyone including from an 80-year-old person. Money can tempt us to spend even more than we should. I don't mind people borrowing money from me as long as they pay back as promised. Well, good luck sister. What irks me is that people taking on others' kindness for granted. It is something that I don't get. We would lend money to somebody in need. Those with a soft heart would lend as much as they could and at times to a fault.

I'm Sorry

It seemed you were here,

That was awhile ago,

Forgive me,

The fog was clouding my vision –

That I couldn’t see your hurtful beauty.

So reality had to peel off the shades,

I’m sorry I couldn’t reach out to you sooner,

But I was not paying any attention,

Is it pure ignorance or cowardice?

Maybe it was a bit of both,

Since I let my eyelids shut themselves.

I couldn’t see you among the crowd,

Because I was entertaining others,

If you could hear me,

Please forgive me –

For I didn’t realize your existence before,

maybe I was a coward for not taking your hand,

because I was scared of scrutiny,

now I regret for not holding on to your frail hands.

It was a pain to imagine how your eyes would gleam –

If you were still here,

I’m sorry for ignoring your presence,

For I was too busy,

It was a pathetic excuse,

But I was blinded by things which –

Now seem useless.

I didn’t realize your loveliness till now,

It was sad to be blind,

It seemed I walked pass an angel,

Now there is nothing.

If I was a better writer,

I could immortalize you in these words,

But all I could muster was these simple expressions,

I hope you had a good life,

And you are in complete serenity.

Again,

Please forgive me and others –

For not appreciating your wonderful spirit,

If there was a chance,

We might have been great friends.

*this poem is dedicated to those who did not have the chance to recognize a beautiful being until it's too late.

The moon

The rain seemed to patter on the window violently,

It was like a running faucet,

No one seemed to care for the wasted and painful flow,

Some of it hit her lips,

She tasted it and it was salty,

It’s been a long time since she felt that tang of saltiness in rain.

Certainly, it’d been a long time since the earth had seen the moon,

Where and when it was since it happened,

She could not muster the time and place,

All she saw was the silhouette of the moon vanishing,

Now she is embraced by regret and denial.

It seemed like they could only met in dreams,

The moon seemed to disappear without any note,

She came home one day to see only emptiness,

There was no trace of her love,

Just a note said “Goodbye and sorry”.

She really wanted to say lots of hateful things and curse at the moon,

But flashes of memories kept playing in her head,

It played like an old and faithful recorder,

The memories the moon left that could not be erased.

Now all she had was memories,

Somehow she knew goodbye was coming,

But clouded it with denials and lies,

Currently her perch is by the window -

looking at the cruel raindrops bruise her cheeks.

Even she said she didn’t need ‘I love yous’,

She needed that soft light’s comfort,

She did not want to stay in that cold bed,

All the dreams she had was that luminous glow,

Her faithful mind did not let her forget.

If I knew,

I would weave a beautiful Elysium,

And let her settle her uneasiness for good,

For thou shall seek great delight,

And be free of nightmares.

However, it was too late,

Goodbye came knocking,

And she did not prepare for the blow of despair,

All she could do was come back to an empty and lifeless home.

Even though it wasn’t a beautiful parting,

She still let that old recorder plays its haunting tune,

It was all she had left of the moon,

Holding on to denials and regrets,

Yet how lovely that pain was,

For it reminds us what people are capable of and our limitations.

We believe in weakness because it is there,

It is there to remind us that we are not God,

Failures of any forms,

Rooted us to the ground,

And pain can teach us to be strong and yet –

It can also teach us to be weak –

Whichever we choose.

Withered

A bouquet of flowers,
on that antique table,
which I like so much,
its beautiful - thank you.

That bouquet of flowers,
had been there for two days,
but where are you?
You said you would come over,
Its alright,
you might be busy.

The bouquet of flowers,
had been there for five days,
and its pungent smell stared to reek,
the room began to be filled with its poisonous cologne,
but still you didn't come and fill the room with yours.

The bouquet of flowers,
had been there for eight days,
its crimson glory began to fade,
its colour began to bleed out,
and its ugly greyness started to take over.

Our crimson passion had began to wither,
where is the high that we used to experience?
our love that was filled with laughter and euphoria,
so much so that I couldn't breathe,
'cause I was lost in you scent,
those were the days that filled me with happiness.

The bouquet of flowers,
had been there for ten days,
it had lost its youthfulness,
withered and shrunken,
an eye sore among all these beauties.

There were no longer sweet words -
from your sweet and tempting mouth,
there were no showing of affection,
no more holding hands in the cold nights,
not even a glance to see whether that spark was still there.

We both lost what was magical
and felt sad - or was is just me?
we're like those bouquet,
beautiful at one point
but because of neglect,
it died and turned to dust,
I did not cry but this feeling is heavy,
are feeling the same way as I?
Where should I go now? - disappear I suppose.

The bouquet of flowers,
is no longer there,
on that antique table,
I threw them away,
'cause I could not bear with the smell and sight.

Like the way I could not handle your stench,
I didn't say goodbye,
neither did you,
I let out a cool breath,
a breath of relief,
and looked at the empty room,
everything is gone,
and its time for me to go,
Goodbye my once sweet flower.

Please Don't Fade

I walked my way to you,
you turned to me,
but I could not reach you like I did before,
please don't fade,
and stay with me.

It was like a dream,
a field of white lilies,
such a beautiful sight,
filled with purity,
I felt safe and pretty,
so innocent.

In that field,
I heard the sound of violin,
playing its melody of sorrow and joy,
my mind is nothing but blankness,
only the sound of that violin in my head,
where are you?
when I'm lonely,
where are you?
when I'm fading,
Where are you?
when I'm needing,
Where are you?
when I'm falling,
I'm sorry for asking you.

Please don't fade away
because of my selfishness,
tears please don't fall,
'cause I don't like them,
for that person will fade.

I don't want this empty room,
please don't go,
where are you?
If you can hear me,
whisper a lullaby to me,
'cause that soothed my being,
and I want to remember you.

Whenever I call out your name,
I suddenly became dumb,
is this my fate to loose you?
please don't fade away,
I'm in need of you,
the nameless stranger that I don't recognize.

I remembered it used to be fun,
I laughed with you,
I cried with you,
I shared with you,
but I grew up,
then you started to fade.

Please stay,
for I can't handle myself,
if you go,
I could never recall what was happy,
please don't fade away,
please stay...

I'm Happy

I’m here waiting for you,

Where are you now?

Why people keep distancing themselves from me?

Am I a disease?

Am I disabled?

Am I disgusting?

Am I bad?

Am I not good enough?

I was being pushed and pulled,

I stumbled and fell –

On the hard concrete floor,

Bruises and scars here and there,

I know I’m not good enough and –

I’m not righteous like you,

I know I’m not you,

But why do I want more?

I’m lonely,

So I reached to the sky,

And attained the unattainable,

Tears were falling down the slopes of my cheek,

For I was no one,

And I did not have anyone.

That day I saw a shining star,

Yet it was a starless night,

I’m like that lone star,

One by one those around me will dispersed and be gone,

And left one pitiful loner.

I reached into the sky,

To feel the infinite,

And purged all the unwanted,

If you think I’m sick then go,

If you think I’ve contaminated you –

Bleach yourself,

If you think I’m useless then –

Don’t pick me at the first place,

To spare myself the pain.

Maybe it’s alright,

To have little bit a pain,

To have some isolation,

To have some peace of mind,

And then I can slowly drift on the calming river –

and be free to go wherever I’m happy.