I was experiencing a typhoon of stress (emotional one) and of course when I say typhoon it has no relation to the typhoon that happened in the Philippines (God please help them). I would never have thought that I couldn't handle my emotions until recently. I think it has something to do with the female mindset. Women have more going in their mind than a hectic immigration office. It is probably due to too much free time on my hands or I was super sensitive or this has been going on and it tantamounts till this day.
All my life from my formative years as an awkward teenager till my adulthood, I have always face problems with socializing and part of that is keeping my friends. I think you would say I am borderline anti social yet I still seek human companions. As the saying goes "no man is an island" and even to the most pathetic loner out there, he or she still needs a friend. Well to begin with, I could never really connect with any of my friends for long. I would say the best way to explain it would be like how a love relationship at the beginning where both are happy and passionate with each other then as both start to know each other, it could either turn cold or well 'hot'. As for me it usually turns cold with my friends.
I usually take the blame and say "it is all my fault". Because it is how I feel about it. I could not deny the fact I will be the one to start it all and the one that ends it. This has been happening for a long while and I am the stubborn mule who could not change myself. But at the same time I could never stop wondering what I did wrong to make them leave me. Did I not treat them well enough? Did I not care enough? Did I not listen when they need to? Did I not...
There are many 'did I nots' but I could not help myself to wonder. In any friendship I have it usually never last. I don't believe in friendship forever ever since I was a kid! Because I could not afford to keep it or it could not afford to keep me. This has taught me to build walls around me at least I know I could protect myself from all the destruction of when it doesn't work out. By doing so I know I'm putting myself at a disadvantage and the one who has everything to lose and the one will pay the price the most.
When I detached myself from them, the worst is not doing it but is when they don't even give a damn. I cried a river few times and I could always pull myself up and move on. But I don't know whether I can handle another onslaught. I could not breathe sometimes. Why is it so easy for them to leave me behind and not feel a thing and yet I could not do that? Some may say it is a small matter. Well it is the small things that count. It is the small thing that turn to something big. Yet, I could never put the blame on them. I never could because I love them too much to do that. So, I took everything in and never thought much about it until now.
Let me tell you this. When a person is feeling lonely, sometimes all he or she wants is just a pat on the back and to console her. Some may say why the hell should I care when he or she started it. But it is not as simple as it seems. I know it might look selfish of him or her to act that way and some might even say he or she deserve it. However, give him or her a chance. It may not be easy for him or her also.
I am unable to make everything alright at the moment as I have created this cloud of awkwardness around us and once it is broken and mended, it could never return the way it was. So, DON'T do what I did for you WILL regret it. Be able to share and I mean honestly share your feelings and have courage which I know it will be difficult as I too have little courage to begin with. I write this post not to seek attention or maybe I am but also to share what I went through. And a good friend once said to me "you are not the only one". So I am telling that you are not alone in facing disappointment in your friends or love ones.
What I could do now is stay calm and slowly pick up the pieces and mend it as perfect as I can. I know it will never be the same no matter what brand of super glue I use but at least I won't say I did not try at all. I pray I would prosper and be happy again. God bless :)
