A FRIEND INDEED

              I was experiencing a typhoon of stress (emotional one) and of course when I say typhoon it has no relation to the typhoon that happened in the Philippines (God please help them).  I would never have thought that I couldn't handle my emotions until recently. I think it has something to do with the female mindset. Women have more going in their mind than a hectic immigration office. It is probably due to too much free time on my hands or I was super sensitive or this has been going on and it tantamounts till this day.

              All my life from my formative years as an awkward teenager till my adulthood, I have always face problems with socializing and part of that is keeping my friends. I think you would say I am borderline anti social yet I still seek human companions. As the saying goes "no man is an island" and even to the most pathetic loner out there, he or she still needs a friend. Well to begin with, I could never really connect with any of my friends for long. I would say the best way to explain it would be like how a love relationship at the beginning where both are happy and passionate with each other then as both start to know each other, it could either turn cold or well 'hot'. As for me it usually turns cold with my friends.

             I usually take the blame and say "it is all my fault". Because it is how I feel about it. I could not deny the fact I will be the one to start it all and the one that ends it. This has been happening for a long while and I am the stubborn mule who could not change myself. But at the same time I could never stop wondering what I did wrong to make them leave me. Did I not treat them well enough? Did I not care enough? Did I not listen when they need to? Did I not...

             There are many 'did I nots' but I could not help myself to wonder. In any friendship I have it usually never last. I don't believe in friendship forever ever since I was a kid! Because I could not afford to keep it or it could not afford to keep me. This has taught me to build walls around me at least I know I could protect myself from all the destruction of when it doesn't work out. By doing so I know I'm putting myself at a disadvantage and the one who has everything to lose and the one will pay the price the most.

             When I detached myself from them, the worst is not doing it but is when they don't even give a damn. I cried a river few times and I could always pull myself up and move on. But I don't know whether I can handle another onslaught. I could not breathe sometimes. Why is it so easy for them to leave me behind and not feel a thing and yet I could not do that? Some may say it is a small matter. Well it is the small things that count. It is the small thing that turn to something big. Yet, I could never put the blame on them. I never could because I love them too much to do that. So, I took everything in and never thought much about it until now.

            Let me tell you this. When a person is feeling lonely, sometimes all he or she wants is just a pat on the back and to console her. Some may say why the hell should I care when he or she started it. But it is not as simple as it seems. I know it might look selfish of him or her to act that way and some might even say he or she deserve it. However, give him or her a chance. It may not be easy for him or her also.

            I am unable to make everything alright at the moment as I have created this cloud of awkwardness around us and once it is broken and mended, it could never return the way it was. So, DON'T do what I did for you WILL regret it.  Be able to share and I mean honestly share your feelings and have courage which I know it will be difficult as I too have little courage to begin with. I write this post not to seek attention or maybe I am but also to share what I went through. And a good friend once said to me "you are not the only one". So I am telling that you are not alone in facing disappointment in your friends or love ones.

            What I could do now is stay calm and slowly pick up the pieces and mend it as perfect as I can. I know it will never be the same no matter what brand of super glue I use but at least I won't say I did not try at all. I pray I would prosper and be happy again. God bless :)

             

Outside of My Window

I stared outside of my window,
the days passed by in this sweltering heat,
the days have passed as fast as it could,
the days I did not know how long,
I did not really speak to anyone.

I did not really speak,
as there was nothing in common,
nothing I could relate,
I kept quiet,
my thoughts were the only noise it made,
I just sit there with my mouth shut,
staring outside of my window.

The clouds seemed sparse,
just a wash of blue all over,
that clear blue sky,
that I despise,
it was too clear for my liking,
as my feelings are not as clear,
I was truly annoyed.

I turned to my left,
yet no one was truly there,
I could not say as much as I used to,
so I kept mostly to myself,
it was a good endurance test,
to see how much I can keep,
so I stared outside of my window.

But, it was my fault,
as this was not the first,
I am a nobody,
I have nobody here,
everything I touched was ruined,
No one dared to be near me,
well, not many at least.

It was my fault,
I'm sorry,
I could not be your friend,
because I never knew how,
I'm lousy, I know,
again I'm truly sorry.

So today I stare outside my window,
and said nothing,
and I might continue to daydream,
and I would close my eyes,
so that I don't have to see that clear blue sky.

Hello My Friend

Hello my friends! and Welcome, come all!
Don't be shy! Step right up!
And see the wonders of the stage,
We have various acts for you to enjoy,
Acts that suit to every peculiar taste buds.
  
How about an act of the lovely?
just like you would ever dream,
a chorus of angels serenade your every whim,
easy like plucking daisies,
sleeping on beds of roses,
smell its pungent fragrance,
until your nostril could wilt,
but not to fear as this is a lovely act,
not to scare or fright,
just sit back and don't worry your pretty head,
and enjoy in this lovely act.

How about an act for those brave of heart,
O, you like the scariest and not afraid of the dark,
let me warn you my friend this act is not for weak of heart,
We sometimes walk the the valley of tears and despair and horror,
some see death, some see sadness, and some even see madness.
Screams can be heard at night,
Cries of desperation and help joins the orchestra as well,
We feel pain and despair,
We experience death and loneliness,
We see and hear madness all around us,
But you see my friend,
if you are still well and alive after this,
you will become stronger than you ever could.

Or my dear friend, you are those
Who love the performance of the genuine,
for you can be anyone you so wish,
without daggers stabbing your very back and heart,
Are you those that want to be left alone and be
The person in the mirror,
let me tell you my dear,
your reflection don't lie
Just your eyes love to play tricks on you,
if you look close enough,
there is still the same,
don't let lies and cynical laughter distort your vision,
for we are all actors in this huge stage called life.

A few words of wisdom
that my dear friends once wrote to me,
"All the world's a stage,
and all men and women merely players,"
We maybe players on this stage but
"The powerful play goes on, you will contribute a verse".