红线

对不起我太直接
而没想到你的感想。

那红线以前连在我们身边，
你还能看的到吗？

那片影子你还认的出吗？
你还听到我吗？
因为我还在这儿，
就在你身边。
你看到我吗？

那条红线要断了，
我们还能回到过去吗？
把线修理，
所以我们能够重头来过，
而再笑的更大声，
维持那单纯的时候。

红线越来越细，
我们还能维持这开心日子多久？

对方也开始离开我，
慢慢的消失，
我只能看到你背影，
看来已经没人在家了。

摸着我身上的红线，
觉得好痛苦，
我和你已经断绝关系，
对不起但是
可以给我点时间来记得你吗？

我真的不要你消失，
我还能觉得你在我身边，
请你不要消失，
让我再欢呼你的名，
因为我放不下手,
把这条红线断绝。

我觉得麻木，
因为已经绕了每个地方
寻找你，
但是你也不要我这破烂的回忆。

最后我只能流眼泪而看着你离开。

如果

我把我脆弱的心大开
我能够做的就是这一却。
其实我很无奈，
因为我无法让你觉得开心
而伤了你的心。

我只能坐在这里而想回以前
当使我们也能开玩笑
那时是最单纯的时候
不用但心和没有烦恼
只需要手牵手
所以我们也不会怕。

我们单纯的一面好脆弱
当我们出门了
它就被我们丢弃
而望了它的存在
这让我们开始忽略了对方。

我们也听不到笑声了
单纯的我们也消失
永远都拿不回来
而只有那甜与苦的回忆。

如果我能够
我会回去那时候而
珍惜你多点
如果我能够，
我会跟你道歉
我会拥抱你久一点
而说声谢谢。

还有把这双耳朵打开
所以能够听好你的话
而我的嘴巴，
就好好安慰你，
还把双手抱着你。

如果神能够给我多点时间，
我不会把你当做理所当然的，
对不起我无法看到你完美的存在，
我已经失去了你。

我只能呆着，
抓着这些后悔的感觉，
慢慢的走。

啊，眼泪也流下来了，
我无法往上看，
因为我已经失去那单纯的时候,
再见吧我的好朋友。。。

A FRIEND INDEED

              I was experiencing a typhoon of stress (emotional one) and of course when I say typhoon it has no relation to the typhoon that happened in the Philippines (God please help them).  I would never have thought that I couldn't handle my emotions until recently. I think it has something to do with the female mindset. Women have more going in their mind than a hectic immigration office. It is probably due to too much free time on my hands or I was super sensitive or this has been going on and it tantamounts till this day.

              All my life from my formative years as an awkward teenager till my adulthood, I have always face problems with socializing and part of that is keeping my friends. I think you would say I am borderline anti social yet I still seek human companions. As the saying goes "no man is an island" and even to the most pathetic loner out there, he or she still needs a friend. Well to begin with, I could never really connect with any of my friends for long. I would say the best way to explain it would be like how a love relationship at the beginning where both are happy and passionate with each other then as both start to know each other, it could either turn cold or well 'hot'. As for me it usually turns cold with my friends.

             I usually take the blame and say "it is all my fault". Because it is how I feel about it. I could not deny the fact I will be the one to start it all and the one that ends it. This has been happening for a long while and I am the stubborn mule who could not change myself. But at the same time I could never stop wondering what I did wrong to make them leave me. Did I not treat them well enough? Did I not care enough? Did I not listen when they need to? Did I not...

             There are many 'did I nots' but I could not help myself to wonder. In any friendship I have it usually never last. I don't believe in friendship forever ever since I was a kid! Because I could not afford to keep it or it could not afford to keep me. This has taught me to build walls around me at least I know I could protect myself from all the destruction of when it doesn't work out. By doing so I know I'm putting myself at a disadvantage and the one who has everything to lose and the one will pay the price the most.

             When I detached myself from them, the worst is not doing it but is when they don't even give a damn. I cried a river few times and I could always pull myself up and move on. But I don't know whether I can handle another onslaught. I could not breathe sometimes. Why is it so easy for them to leave me behind and not feel a thing and yet I could not do that? Some may say it is a small matter. Well it is the small things that count. It is the small thing that turn to something big. Yet, I could never put the blame on them. I never could because I love them too much to do that. So, I took everything in and never thought much about it until now.

            Let me tell you this. When a person is feeling lonely, sometimes all he or she wants is just a pat on the back and to console her. Some may say why the hell should I care when he or she started it. But it is not as simple as it seems. I know it might look selfish of him or her to act that way and some might even say he or she deserve it. However, give him or her a chance. It may not be easy for him or her also.

            I am unable to make everything alright at the moment as I have created this cloud of awkwardness around us and once it is broken and mended, it could never return the way it was. So, DON'T do what I did for you WILL regret it.  Be able to share and I mean honestly share your feelings and have courage which I know it will be difficult as I too have little courage to begin with. I write this post not to seek attention or maybe I am but also to share what I went through. And a good friend once said to me "you are not the only one". So I am telling that you are not alone in facing disappointment in your friends or love ones.

            What I could do now is stay calm and slowly pick up the pieces and mend it as perfect as I can. I know it will never be the same no matter what brand of super glue I use but at least I won't say I did not try at all. I pray I would prosper and be happy again. God bless :)

             

Outside of My Window

I stared outside of my window,
the days passed by in this sweltering heat,
the days have passed as fast as it could,
the days I did not know how long,
I did not really speak to anyone.

I did not really speak,
as there was nothing in common,
nothing I could relate,
I kept quiet,
my thoughts were the only noise it made,
I just sit there with my mouth shut,
staring outside of my window.

The clouds seemed sparse,
just a wash of blue all over,
that clear blue sky,
that I despise,
it was too clear for my liking,
as my feelings are not as clear,
I was truly annoyed.

I turned to my left,
yet no one was truly there,
I could not say as much as I used to,
so I kept mostly to myself,
it was a good endurance test,
to see how much I can keep,
so I stared outside of my window.

But, it was my fault,
as this was not the first,
I am a nobody,
I have nobody here,
everything I touched was ruined,
No one dared to be near me,
well, not many at least.

It was my fault,
I'm sorry,
I could not be your friend,
because I never knew how,
I'm lousy, I know,
again I'm truly sorry.

So today I stare outside my window,
and said nothing,
and I might continue to daydream,
and I would close my eyes,
so that I don't have to see that clear blue sky.

Hello My Friend

Hello my friends! and Welcome, come all!
Don't be shy! Step right up!
And see the wonders of the stage,
We have various acts for you to enjoy,
Acts that suit to every peculiar taste buds.
  
How about an act of the lovely?
just like you would ever dream,
a chorus of angels serenade your every whim,
easy like plucking daisies,
sleeping on beds of roses,
smell its pungent fragrance,
until your nostril could wilt,
but not to fear as this is a lovely act,
not to scare or fright,
just sit back and don't worry your pretty head,
and enjoy in this lovely act.

How about an act for those brave of heart,
O, you like the scariest and not afraid of the dark,
let me warn you my friend this act is not for weak of heart,
We sometimes walk the the valley of tears and despair and horror,
some see death, some see sadness, and some even see madness.
Screams can be heard at night,
Cries of desperation and help joins the orchestra as well,
We feel pain and despair,
We experience death and loneliness,
We see and hear madness all around us,
But you see my friend,
if you are still well and alive after this,
you will become stronger than you ever could.

Or my dear friend, you are those
Who love the performance of the genuine,
for you can be anyone you so wish,
without daggers stabbing your very back and heart,
Are you those that want to be left alone and be
The person in the mirror,
let me tell you my dear,
your reflection don't lie
Just your eyes love to play tricks on you,
if you look close enough,
there is still the same,
don't let lies and cynical laughter distort your vision,
for we are all actors in this huge stage called life.

A few words of wisdom
that my dear friends once wrote to me,
"All the world's a stage,
and all men and women merely players,"
We maybe players on this stage but
"The powerful play goes on, you will contribute a verse".

Wherever You Are

How do you do?
Is there anyone sitting here?
Am I interrupting?
Can I be your friend?

Wherever we go,
we will meet new acquaintances,
slowly they we grow,
we became friends.

Can I see myself with a friend?
a true friend?
Can I see myself
sipping coffee and laughing at
anything and everything with you?

It seems nobody's here
I'm sitting under a weeping willow,
staring at the blinding sun,
and closed my eyes
savouring the streams of light.

Nobody's here
So do I have to create that someone?
I never did feel belong,
I never seem to hold on to anyone,
since one touch,
they can slowly slip away,
avoiding me like a plague.

Wherever you are,
can you be my friend?
can I be your friend?
Would accept who I am?
would you still like me when you truly see me?

Wherever you are,
Can I hold your hand?
Would you leave?
Would you turn your back on me?
Would you slowly retreat?

Can I ever befriend?
Is it possible to find a true friend?
What does it feel like?
I do not know,
as I do not know what he or she looks like.

My friends are faceless,
I can't pin point anyone,
I just greet them and be nice as usual,
and slowly they fade,
I don't know who are they.

So I'm just sitting here in
this valley of lavender,
hoping it will soothe my soul,
and let me sleep with a smile,
thought crooked it may be,
let me smile and be hopeful
that I will have a friend.

Rants 1

2012!!!....where has the time gone?!!

I apologize for being an inactive blogger and was in hibernate mode for the longest of time. My last post was 2011 Oct. Which was a loooong time ago in a galaxy far away (ok...exaggeration much)  and I feel it is time to give some life to this sleeping dragon until I get bored or clueless of what to write.

2012 has been not so productive for me since I'm waiting for my posting and with that Beluran stint as a guru interim. I have to say our education system truly sucks (sorry my brain is congealed...can't think of a better word). Students graduated with an education degree have almost given up hope for the ministry as priorities were astray and not give to those who deserved their attention. Only now when election is around the corner that things are looking up and of course to no surprise. Since 'good things' usually happen nearing election, if they still want to proceed with it on June. So, less than a week from now will be the real posting and everyone is anxious to know their designated schools. 

As for me, I just hope that wherever I'm going it won't be far from KK and that is all I am hoping for.  All of  this waiting has got to reminisce about those days where I felt that there were no worries. During uni, I would go for lectures, assignments, hanging out with friends at the mall and worrying about mundane things. But now I worry about my future and I regret for wasting time. Whenever I look at friends' FB (facebook) page, I see they were enjoying life, traveling to places I would one day go or never at all, being financially stable, overall being productive. While I look at myself and being blah but the blame is mostly on me, I suppose. 

I've always consider myself as a reserve type of person and keep most things private and being timid as some people might say. I never have the guts to do 'adventurous' things since I'm afraid of failure like most people do. I've never seen myself being courageous or being someone else. You can say I do live in a bubble sometimes. But that doesn't mean I cage myself in a 6 by 8 feet cell. 

Also, I resent people that rant about everything on facebook just to seek attention or waiting others to like their posts. IMO, these people seem to feel that its part of their duty to post everything that happens in their lives in every f*****g second and its pretty annoying. Get a life. Stay away from Facebook once in awhile and get a hobby or something. That's why I rarely post personal stuff on FB 'cause I don't aspire to become an attention whore. 

I think I will continue my rants on the next post....if there is any going to be a next one...hehehe. Just kidding. I see why people rather use blogs as their outlet than the usual facebook and tweeter. Well I do hope that they don't 'campak' me to somewhere even 'ulu' and far this time. Anyways see ya. :)

Turtleneck Shirt

I've tucked my face in a turtleneck,
it's my comfort,
shielding my face to strangers,
This turtleneck has been my protection,
I love how it envelops me in it wooly texture,
my protection from people that see and judge me.

I hate it when people look and -
belittle me,
But I think I might be the cause of this -
misunderstanding.

I've never known the feeling of being confident,
nor care or encouragement from anyone,
these feelings are foreigners,
or I'm the stranger.

I've never hold my head up,
for I am never taught how to,
I guess with all the 'condescendingness' I never have the chance,
it has caused more harm to me and -
all I see is floor tiles.

I would usually sit in my corner,
looking around,
moving my pupils from one side of the room to another,
It's good to observe sometimes,
you'll know more than constant talk.

I don't know how to approach,
I wait like an obedient child,
I don't know how to talk,
unless spoken to,
I just watch as the world rotates.

Someday I may have the courage to talk,
Someday I may have the will to walk,
Someday I may be able to smile,
Someday I may be able to know appreciation,
but for now I'll sit here and watch.

Money, Money, Money

Money. The one word that everyone understand. When you're in a foreign country and asking for price, just rub your thumb with your pointing finger and middle finger. This movement signifies money. It will be universally understood.

The famous phrase: "Money can't buy happiness". But it can buy certain happiness. Certain happiness like cars, houses, jewelry, high-end brands, even health can be bought. Who says that these things can't make us happy. It CAN! But for how long? a minute, an hour, a day or a few years? That depends on the individual.

Money is the root of all evil. Well, when you want it to be. People would lie, murder, and betray just to get their pudgy hands on those leafy paper. When they have attain it, you will hear that evil laugh...you know the one like they show on tv. Greed comes hand in hand with money. The more we have attained the more we want it and cannot get enough of it, almost like a drug.

Borrowing and lending. These two terms are pretty familiar to us. We borrow money from anybody and lend to somebody. In reality, when desperation kicks in we would borrow from anyone including from an 80-year-old person. Money can tempt us to spend even more than we should. I don't mind people borrowing money from me as long as they pay back as promised. Well, good luck sister. What irks me is that people taking on others' kindness for granted. It is something that I don't get. We would lend money to somebody in need. Those with a soft heart would lend as much as they could and at times to a fault.

I'm Sorry

It seemed you were here,

That was awhile ago,

Forgive me,

The fog was clouding my vision –

That I couldn’t see your hurtful beauty.

So reality had to peel off the shades,

I’m sorry I couldn’t reach out to you sooner,

But I was not paying any attention,

Is it pure ignorance or cowardice?

Maybe it was a bit of both,

Since I let my eyelids shut themselves.

I couldn’t see you among the crowd,

Because I was entertaining others,

If you could hear me,

Please forgive me –

For I didn’t realize your existence before,

maybe I was a coward for not taking your hand,

because I was scared of scrutiny,

now I regret for not holding on to your frail hands.

It was a pain to imagine how your eyes would gleam –

If you were still here,

I’m sorry for ignoring your presence,

For I was too busy,

It was a pathetic excuse,

But I was blinded by things which –

Now seem useless.

I didn’t realize your loveliness till now,

It was sad to be blind,

It seemed I walked pass an angel,

Now there is nothing.

If I was a better writer,

I could immortalize you in these words,

But all I could muster was these simple expressions,

I hope you had a good life,

And you are in complete serenity.

Again,

Please forgive me and others –

For not appreciating your wonderful spirit,

If there was a chance,

We might have been great friends.

*this poem is dedicated to those who did not have the chance to recognize a beautiful being until it's too late.

The moon

The rain seemed to patter on the window violently,

It was like a running faucet,

No one seemed to care for the wasted and painful flow,

Some of it hit her lips,

She tasted it and it was salty,

It’s been a long time since she felt that tang of saltiness in rain.

Certainly, it’d been a long time since the earth had seen the moon,

Where and when it was since it happened,

She could not muster the time and place,

All she saw was the silhouette of the moon vanishing,

Now she is embraced by regret and denial.

It seemed like they could only met in dreams,

The moon seemed to disappear without any note,

She came home one day to see only emptiness,

There was no trace of her love,

Just a note said “Goodbye and sorry”.

She really wanted to say lots of hateful things and curse at the moon,

But flashes of memories kept playing in her head,

It played like an old and faithful recorder,

The memories the moon left that could not be erased.

Now all she had was memories,

Somehow she knew goodbye was coming,

But clouded it with denials and lies,

Currently her perch is by the window -

looking at the cruel raindrops bruise her cheeks.

Even she said she didn’t need ‘I love yous’,

She needed that soft light’s comfort,

She did not want to stay in that cold bed,

All the dreams she had was that luminous glow,

Her faithful mind did not let her forget.

If I knew,

I would weave a beautiful Elysium,

And let her settle her uneasiness for good,

For thou shall seek great delight,

And be free of nightmares.

However, it was too late,

Goodbye came knocking,

And she did not prepare for the blow of despair,

All she could do was come back to an empty and lifeless home.

Even though it wasn’t a beautiful parting,

She still let that old recorder plays its haunting tune,

It was all she had left of the moon,

Holding on to denials and regrets,

Yet how lovely that pain was,

For it reminds us what people are capable of and our limitations.

We believe in weakness because it is there,

It is there to remind us that we are not God,

Failures of any forms,

Rooted us to the ground,

And pain can teach us to be strong and yet –

It can also teach us to be weak –

Whichever we choose.

Withered

A bouquet of flowers,
on that antique table,
which I like so much,
its beautiful - thank you.

That bouquet of flowers,
had been there for two days,
but where are you?
You said you would come over,
Its alright,
you might be busy.

The bouquet of flowers,
had been there for five days,
and its pungent smell stared to reek,
the room began to be filled with its poisonous cologne,
but still you didn't come and fill the room with yours.

The bouquet of flowers,
had been there for eight days,
its crimson glory began to fade,
its colour began to bleed out,
and its ugly greyness started to take over.

Our crimson passion had began to wither,
where is the high that we used to experience?
our love that was filled with laughter and euphoria,
so much so that I couldn't breathe,
'cause I was lost in you scent,
those were the days that filled me with happiness.

The bouquet of flowers,
had been there for ten days,
it had lost its youthfulness,
withered and shrunken,
an eye sore among all these beauties.

There were no longer sweet words -
from your sweet and tempting mouth,
there were no showing of affection,
no more holding hands in the cold nights,
not even a glance to see whether that spark was still there.

We both lost what was magical
and felt sad - or was is just me?
we're like those bouquet,
beautiful at one point
but because of neglect,
it died and turned to dust,
I did not cry but this feeling is heavy,
are feeling the same way as I?
Where should I go now? - disappear I suppose.

The bouquet of flowers,
is no longer there,
on that antique table,
I threw them away,
'cause I could not bear with the smell and sight.

Like the way I could not handle your stench,
I didn't say goodbye,
neither did you,
I let out a cool breath,
a breath of relief,
and looked at the empty room,
everything is gone,
and its time for me to go,
Goodbye my once sweet flower.

Please Don't Fade

I walked my way to you,
you turned to me,
but I could not reach you like I did before,
please don't fade,
and stay with me.

It was like a dream,
a field of white lilies,
such a beautiful sight,
filled with purity,
I felt safe and pretty,
so innocent.

In that field,
I heard the sound of violin,
playing its melody of sorrow and joy,
my mind is nothing but blankness,
only the sound of that violin in my head,
where are you?
when I'm lonely,
where are you?
when I'm fading,
Where are you?
when I'm needing,
Where are you?
when I'm falling,
I'm sorry for asking you.

Please don't fade away
because of my selfishness,
tears please don't fall,
'cause I don't like them,
for that person will fade.

I don't want this empty room,
please don't go,
where are you?
If you can hear me,
whisper a lullaby to me,
'cause that soothed my being,
and I want to remember you.

Whenever I call out your name,
I suddenly became dumb,
is this my fate to loose you?
please don't fade away,
I'm in need of you,
the nameless stranger that I don't recognize.

I remembered it used to be fun,
I laughed with you,
I cried with you,
I shared with you,
but I grew up,
then you started to fade.

Please stay,
for I can't handle myself,
if you go,
I could never recall what was happy,
please don't fade away,
please stay...

I'm Happy

I’m here waiting for you,

Where are you now?

Why people keep distancing themselves from me?

Am I a disease?

Am I disabled?

Am I disgusting?

Am I bad?

Am I not good enough?

I was being pushed and pulled,

I stumbled and fell –

On the hard concrete floor,

Bruises and scars here and there,

I know I’m not good enough and –

I’m not righteous like you,

I know I’m not you,

But why do I want more?

I’m lonely,

So I reached to the sky,

And attained the unattainable,

Tears were falling down the slopes of my cheek,

For I was no one,

And I did not have anyone.

That day I saw a shining star,

Yet it was a starless night,

I’m like that lone star,

One by one those around me will dispersed and be gone,

And left one pitiful loner.

I reached into the sky,

To feel the infinite,

And purged all the unwanted,

If you think I’m sick then go,

If you think I’ve contaminated you –

Bleach yourself,

If you think I’m useless then –

Don’t pick me at the first place,

To spare myself the pain.

Maybe it’s alright,

To have little bit a pain,

To have some isolation,

To have some peace of mind,

And then I can slowly drift on the calming river –

and be free to go wherever I’m happy.

Again, again, again

Again, again, and again,

She saw them walking in a distance,

It was close then,

But we are no longer on the same lane,

This happened before and it’s nothing new,

Different people but same happenings.

She was there among the crowd,

She was with them,

She was talking with them,

She was laughing with them,

She was gossiping with them,

She was only among them,

She was, she was, she was…

A girl among her acquaintances,

No I didn’t make a mistake,

Acquaintances no more no less,

She was nothing to them but a pest,

As she was with so many before,

A simple yet deep girl,

With no one to lean on.

No one would make the first move to call her,

No one to confide their secrets because of her over-concerning,

No one to really look at her,

No one to really see her but most of all,

No one to really understand her.

Again, again, again,

She was left behind,

An alien among her kind,

They somehow would walk away from her,

Slowly and gradually,

Then disappear,

Out of sight, out of mind,

Then…

It was all the same thing,

From acquaintances to friends to –

acquaintances to strangers.

Again, again, again….