Outside of My Window

I stared outside of my window,
the days passed by in this sweltering heat,
the days have passed as fast as it could,
the days I did not know how long,
I did not really speak to anyone.

I did not really speak,
as there was nothing in common,
nothing I could relate,
I kept quiet,
my thoughts were the only noise it made,
I just sit there with my mouth shut,
staring outside of my window.

The clouds seemed sparse,
just a wash of blue all over,
that clear blue sky,
that I despise,
it was too clear for my liking,
as my feelings are not as clear,
I was truly annoyed.

I turned to my left,
yet no one was truly there,
I could not say as much as I used to,
so I kept mostly to myself,
it was a good endurance test,
to see how much I can keep,
so I stared outside of my window.

But, it was my fault,
as this was not the first,
I am a nobody,
I have nobody here,
everything I touched was ruined,
No one dared to be near me,
well, not many at least.

It was my fault,
I'm sorry,
I could not be your friend,
because I never knew how,
I'm lousy, I know,
again I'm truly sorry.

So today I stare outside my window,
and said nothing,
and I might continue to daydream,
and I would close my eyes,
so that I don't have to see that clear blue sky.

Hello My Friend

Hello my friends! and Welcome, come all!
Don't be shy! Step right up!
And see the wonders of the stage,
We have various acts for you to enjoy,
Acts that suit to every peculiar taste buds.
  
How about an act of the lovely?
just like you would ever dream,
a chorus of angels serenade your every whim,
easy like plucking daisies,
sleeping on beds of roses,
smell its pungent fragrance,
until your nostril could wilt,
but not to fear as this is a lovely act,
not to scare or fright,
just sit back and don't worry your pretty head,
and enjoy in this lovely act.

How about an act for those brave of heart,
O, you like the scariest and not afraid of the dark,
let me warn you my friend this act is not for weak of heart,
We sometimes walk the the valley of tears and despair and horror,
some see death, some see sadness, and some even see madness.
Screams can be heard at night,
Cries of desperation and help joins the orchestra as well,
We feel pain and despair,
We experience death and loneliness,
We see and hear madness all around us,
But you see my friend,
if you are still well and alive after this,
you will become stronger than you ever could.

Or my dear friend, you are those
Who love the performance of the genuine,
for you can be anyone you so wish,
without daggers stabbing your very back and heart,
Are you those that want to be left alone and be
The person in the mirror,
let me tell you my dear,
your reflection don't lie
Just your eyes love to play tricks on you,
if you look close enough,
there is still the same,
don't let lies and cynical laughter distort your vision,
for we are all actors in this huge stage called life.

A few words of wisdom
that my dear friends once wrote to me,
"All the world's a stage,
and all men and women merely players,"
We maybe players on this stage but
"The powerful play goes on, you will contribute a verse".

Wherever You Are

How do you do?
Is there anyone sitting here?
Am I interrupting?
Can I be your friend?

Wherever we go,
we will meet new acquaintances,
slowly they we grow,
we became friends.

Can I see myself with a friend?
a true friend?
Can I see myself
sipping coffee and laughing at
anything and everything with you?

It seems nobody's here
I'm sitting under a weeping willow,
staring at the blinding sun,
and closed my eyes
savouring the streams of light.

Nobody's here
So do I have to create that someone?
I never did feel belong,
I never seem to hold on to anyone,
since one touch,
they can slowly slip away,
avoiding me like a plague.

Wherever you are,
can you be my friend?
can I be your friend?
Would accept who I am?
would you still like me when you truly see me?

Wherever you are,
Can I hold your hand?
Would you leave?
Would you turn your back on me?
Would you slowly retreat?

Can I ever befriend?
Is it possible to find a true friend?
What does it feel like?
I do not know,
as I do not know what he or she looks like.

My friends are faceless,
I can't pin point anyone,
I just greet them and be nice as usual,
and slowly they fade,
I don't know who are they.

So I'm just sitting here in
this valley of lavender,
hoping it will soothe my soul,
and let me sleep with a smile,
thought crooked it may be,
let me smile and be hopeful
that I will have a friend.

Rants 1

2012!!!....where has the time gone?!!

I apologize for being an inactive blogger and was in hibernate mode for the longest of time. My last post was 2011 Oct. Which was a loooong time ago in a galaxy far away (ok...exaggeration much)  and I feel it is time to give some life to this sleeping dragon until I get bored or clueless of what to write.

2012 has been not so productive for me since I'm waiting for my posting and with that Beluran stint as a guru interim. I have to say our education system truly sucks (sorry my brain is congealed...can't think of a better word). Students graduated with an education degree have almost given up hope for the ministry as priorities were astray and not give to those who deserved their attention. Only now when election is around the corner that things are looking up and of course to no surprise. Since 'good things' usually happen nearing election, if they still want to proceed with it on June. So, less than a week from now will be the real posting and everyone is anxious to know their designated schools. 

As for me, I just hope that wherever I'm going it won't be far from KK and that is all I am hoping for.  All of  this waiting has got to reminisce about those days where I felt that there were no worries. During uni, I would go for lectures, assignments, hanging out with friends at the mall and worrying about mundane things. But now I worry about my future and I regret for wasting time. Whenever I look at friends' FB (facebook) page, I see they were enjoying life, traveling to places I would one day go or never at all, being financially stable, overall being productive. While I look at myself and being blah but the blame is mostly on me, I suppose. 

I've always consider myself as a reserve type of person and keep most things private and being timid as some people might say. I never have the guts to do 'adventurous' things since I'm afraid of failure like most people do. I've never seen myself being courageous or being someone else. You can say I do live in a bubble sometimes. But that doesn't mean I cage myself in a 6 by 8 feet cell. 

Also, I resent people that rant about everything on facebook just to seek attention or waiting others to like their posts. IMO, these people seem to feel that its part of their duty to post everything that happens in their lives in every f*****g second and its pretty annoying. Get a life. Stay away from Facebook once in awhile and get a hobby or something. That's why I rarely post personal stuff on FB 'cause I don't aspire to become an attention whore. 

I think I will continue my rants on the next post....if there is any going to be a next one...hehehe. Just kidding. I see why people rather use blogs as their outlet than the usual facebook and tweeter. Well I do hope that they don't 'campak' me to somewhere even 'ulu' and far this time. Anyways see ya. :)

Turtleneck Shirt

I've tucked my face in a turtleneck,
it's my comfort,
shielding my face to strangers,
This turtleneck has been my protection,
I love how it envelops me in it wooly texture,
my protection from people that see and judge me.

I hate it when people look and -
belittle me,
But I think I might be the cause of this -
misunderstanding.

I've never known the feeling of being confident,
nor care or encouragement from anyone,
these feelings are foreigners,
or I'm the stranger.

I've never hold my head up,
for I am never taught how to,
I guess with all the 'condescendingness' I never have the chance,
it has caused more harm to me and -
all I see is floor tiles.

I would usually sit in my corner,
looking around,
moving my pupils from one side of the room to another,
It's good to observe sometimes,
you'll know more than constant talk.

I don't know how to approach,
I wait like an obedient child,
I don't know how to talk,
unless spoken to,
I just watch as the world rotates.

Someday I may have the courage to talk,
Someday I may have the will to walk,
Someday I may be able to smile,
Someday I may be able to know appreciation,
but for now I'll sit here and watch.

Money, Money, Money

Money. The one word that everyone understand. When you're in a foreign country and asking for price, just rub your thumb with your pointing finger and middle finger. This movement signifies money. It will be universally understood.

The famous phrase: "Money can't buy happiness". But it can buy certain happiness. Certain happiness like cars, houses, jewelry, high-end brands, even health can be bought. Who says that these things can't make us happy. It CAN! But for how long? a minute, an hour, a day or a few years? That depends on the individual.

Money is the root of all evil. Well, when you want it to be. People would lie, murder, and betray just to get their pudgy hands on those leafy paper. When they have attain it, you will hear that evil laugh...you know the one like they show on tv. Greed comes hand in hand with money. The more we have attained the more we want it and cannot get enough of it, almost like a drug.

Borrowing and lending. These two terms are pretty familiar to us. We borrow money from anybody and lend to somebody. In reality, when desperation kicks in we would borrow from anyone including from an 80-year-old person. Money can tempt us to spend even more than we should. I don't mind people borrowing money from me as long as they pay back as promised. Well, good luck sister. What irks me is that people taking on others' kindness for granted. It is something that I don't get. We would lend money to somebody in need. Those with a soft heart would lend as much as they could and at times to a fault.

I'm Sorry

It seemed you were here,

That was awhile ago,

Forgive me,

The fog was clouding my vision –

That I couldn’t see your hurtful beauty.

So reality had to peel off the shades,

I’m sorry I couldn’t reach out to you sooner,

But I was not paying any attention,

Is it pure ignorance or cowardice?

Maybe it was a bit of both,

Since I let my eyelids shut themselves.

I couldn’t see you among the crowd,

Because I was entertaining others,

If you could hear me,

Please forgive me –

For I didn’t realize your existence before,

maybe I was a coward for not taking your hand,

because I was scared of scrutiny,

now I regret for not holding on to your frail hands.

It was a pain to imagine how your eyes would gleam –

If you were still here,

I’m sorry for ignoring your presence,

For I was too busy,

It was a pathetic excuse,

But I was blinded by things which –

Now seem useless.

I didn’t realize your loveliness till now,

It was sad to be blind,

It seemed I walked pass an angel,

Now there is nothing.

If I was a better writer,

I could immortalize you in these words,

But all I could muster was these simple expressions,

I hope you had a good life,

And you are in complete serenity.

Again,

Please forgive me and others –

For not appreciating your wonderful spirit,

If there was a chance,

We might have been great friends.

*this poem is dedicated to those who did not have the chance to recognize a beautiful being until it's too late.