对不起我太直接
而没想到你的感想。
那红线以前连在我们身边，
你还能看的到吗？
那片影子你还认的出吗？
你还听到我吗？
因为我还在这儿，
就在你身边。
你看到我吗？
那条红线要断了，
我们还能回到过去吗？
把线修理，
所以我们能够重头来过，
而再笑的更大声，
维持那单纯的时候。
红线越来越细，
我们还能维持这开心日子多久？
对方也开始离开我，
慢慢的消失，
我只能看到你背影，
看来已经没人在家了。
摸着我身上的红线，
觉得好痛苦，
我和你已经断绝关系，
对不起但是
可以给我点时间来记得你吗？
我真的不要你消失，
我还能觉得你在我身边，
请你不要消失，
让我再欢呼你的名，
因为我放不下手,
把这条红线断绝。
我觉得麻木，
因为已经绕了每个地方
寻找你，
但是你也不要我这破烂的回忆。
最后我只能流眼泪而看着你离开。
Thursday, January 23, 2014
Wednesday, January 22, 2014
如果
我把我脆弱的心大开
我能够做的就是这一却。
其实我很无奈，
因为我无法让你觉得开心
而伤了你的心。
我只能坐在这里而想回以前
当使我们也能开玩笑
那时是最单纯的时候
不用但心和没有烦恼
只需要手牵手
所以我们也不会怕。
我们单纯的一面好脆弱
当我们出门了
它就被我们丢弃
而望了它的存在
这让我们开始忽略了对方。
我们也听不到笑声了
单纯的我们也消失
永远都拿不回来
而只有那甜与苦的回忆。
如果我能够
我会回去那时候而
珍惜你多点
如果我能够，
我会跟你道歉
我会拥抱你久一点
而说声谢谢。
还有把这双耳朵打开
所以能够听好你的话
而我的嘴巴，
就好好安慰你，
还把双手抱着你。
如果神能够给我多点时间，
我不会把你当做理所当然的，
对不起我无法看到你完美的存在，
我已经失去了你。
我只能呆着，
抓着这些后悔的感觉，
慢慢的走。
啊，眼泪也流下来了，
我无法往上看，
因为我已经失去那单纯的时候,
再见吧我的好朋友。。。
我能够做的就是这一却。
其实我很无奈，
因为我无法让你觉得开心
而伤了你的心。
我只能坐在这里而想回以前
当使我们也能开玩笑
那时是最单纯的时候
不用但心和没有烦恼
只需要手牵手
所以我们也不会怕。
我们单纯的一面好脆弱
当我们出门了
它就被我们丢弃
而望了它的存在
这让我们开始忽略了对方。
我们也听不到笑声了
单纯的我们也消失
永远都拿不回来
而只有那甜与苦的回忆。
如果我能够
我会回去那时候而
珍惜你多点
如果我能够，
我会跟你道歉
我会拥抱你久一点
而说声谢谢。
还有把这双耳朵打开
所以能够听好你的话
而我的嘴巴，
就好好安慰你，
还把双手抱着你。
如果神能够给我多点时间，
我不会把你当做理所当然的，
对不起我无法看到你完美的存在，
我已经失去了你。
我只能呆着，
抓着这些后悔的感觉，
慢慢的走。
啊，眼泪也流下来了，
我无法往上看，
因为我已经失去那单纯的时候,
再见吧我的好朋友。。。
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
A FRIEND INDEED
I was experiencing a typhoon of stress (emotional one) and of course when I say typhoon it has no relation to the typhoon that happened in the Philippines (God please help them). I would never have thought that I couldn't handle my emotions until recently. I think it has something to do with the female mindset. Women have more going in their mind than a hectic immigration office. It is probably due to too much free time on my hands or I was super sensitive or this has been going on and it tantamounts till this day.
All my life from my formative years as an awkward teenager till my adulthood, I have always face problems with socializing and part of that is keeping my friends. I think you would say I am borderline anti social yet I still seek human companions. As the saying goes "no man is an island" and even to the most pathetic loner out there, he or she still needs a friend. Well to begin with, I could never really connect with any of my friends for long. I would say the best way to explain it would be like how a love relationship at the beginning where both are happy and passionate with each other then as both start to know each other, it could either turn cold or well 'hot'. As for me it usually turns cold with my friends.
I usually take the blame and say "it is all my fault". Because it is how I feel about it. I could not deny the fact I will be the one to start it all and the one that ends it. This has been happening for a long while and I am the stubborn mule who could not change myself. But at the same time I could never stop wondering what I did wrong to make them leave me. Did I not treat them well enough? Did I not care enough? Did I not listen when they need to? Did I not...
There are many 'did I nots' but I could not help myself to wonder. In any friendship I have it usually never last. I don't believe in friendship forever ever since I was a kid! Because I could not afford to keep it or it could not afford to keep me. This has taught me to build walls around me at least I know I could protect myself from all the destruction of when it doesn't work out. By doing so I know I'm putting myself at a disadvantage and the one who has everything to lose and the one will pay the price the most.
When I detached myself from them, the worst is not doing it but is when they don't even give a damn. I cried a river few times and I could always pull myself up and move on. But I don't know whether I can handle another onslaught. I could not breathe sometimes. Why is it so easy for them to leave me behind and not feel a thing and yet I could not do that? Some may say it is a small matter. Well it is the small things that count. It is the small thing that turn to something big. Yet, I could never put the blame on them. I never could because I love them too much to do that. So, I took everything in and never thought much about it until now.
Let me tell you this. When a person is feeling lonely, sometimes all he or she wants is just a pat on the back and to console her. Some may say why the hell should I care when he or she started it. But it is not as simple as it seems. I know it might look selfish of him or her to act that way and some might even say he or she deserve it. However, give him or her a chance. It may not be easy for him or her also.
I am unable to make everything alright at the moment as I have created this cloud of awkwardness around us and once it is broken and mended, it could never return the way it was. So, DON'T do what I did for you WILL regret it. Be able to share and I mean honestly share your feelings and have courage which I know it will be difficult as I too have little courage to begin with. I write this post not to seek attention or maybe I am but also to share what I went through. And a good friend once said to me "you are not the only one". So I am telling that you are not alone in facing disappointment in your friends or love ones.
What I could do now is stay calm and slowly pick up the pieces and mend it as perfect as I can. I know it will never be the same no matter what brand of super glue I use but at least I won't say I did not try at all. I pray I would prosper and be happy again. God bless :)
All my life from my formative years as an awkward teenager till my adulthood, I have always face problems with socializing and part of that is keeping my friends. I think you would say I am borderline anti social yet I still seek human companions. As the saying goes "no man is an island" and even to the most pathetic loner out there, he or she still needs a friend. Well to begin with, I could never really connect with any of my friends for long. I would say the best way to explain it would be like how a love relationship at the beginning where both are happy and passionate with each other then as both start to know each other, it could either turn cold or well 'hot'. As for me it usually turns cold with my friends.
I usually take the blame and say "it is all my fault". Because it is how I feel about it. I could not deny the fact I will be the one to start it all and the one that ends it. This has been happening for a long while and I am the stubborn mule who could not change myself. But at the same time I could never stop wondering what I did wrong to make them leave me. Did I not treat them well enough? Did I not care enough? Did I not listen when they need to? Did I not...
There are many 'did I nots' but I could not help myself to wonder. In any friendship I have it usually never last. I don't believe in friendship forever ever since I was a kid! Because I could not afford to keep it or it could not afford to keep me. This has taught me to build walls around me at least I know I could protect myself from all the destruction of when it doesn't work out. By doing so I know I'm putting myself at a disadvantage and the one who has everything to lose and the one will pay the price the most.
When I detached myself from them, the worst is not doing it but is when they don't even give a damn. I cried a river few times and I could always pull myself up and move on. But I don't know whether I can handle another onslaught. I could not breathe sometimes. Why is it so easy for them to leave me behind and not feel a thing and yet I could not do that? Some may say it is a small matter. Well it is the small things that count. It is the small thing that turn to something big. Yet, I could never put the blame on them. I never could because I love them too much to do that. So, I took everything in and never thought much about it until now.
Let me tell you this. When a person is feeling lonely, sometimes all he or she wants is just a pat on the back and to console her. Some may say why the hell should I care when he or she started it. But it is not as simple as it seems. I know it might look selfish of him or her to act that way and some might even say he or she deserve it. However, give him or her a chance. It may not be easy for him or her also.
I am unable to make everything alright at the moment as I have created this cloud of awkwardness around us and once it is broken and mended, it could never return the way it was. So, DON'T do what I did for you WILL regret it. Be able to share and I mean honestly share your feelings and have courage which I know it will be difficult as I too have little courage to begin with. I write this post not to seek attention or maybe I am but also to share what I went through. And a good friend once said to me "you are not the only one". So I am telling that you are not alone in facing disappointment in your friends or love ones.
What I could do now is stay calm and slowly pick up the pieces and mend it as perfect as I can. I know it will never be the same no matter what brand of super glue I use but at least I won't say I did not try at all. I pray I would prosper and be happy again. God bless :)
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
Outside of My Window
I stared outside of my window,
the days passed by in this sweltering heat,
the days have passed as fast as it could,
the days I did not know how long,
I did not really speak to anyone.
I did not really speak,
as there was nothing in common,
nothing I could relate,
I kept quiet,
my thoughts were the only noise it made,
I just sit there with my mouth shut,
staring outside of my window.
The clouds seemed sparse,
just a wash of blue all over,
that clear blue sky,
that I despise,
it was too clear for my liking,
as my feelings are not as clear,
I was truly annoyed.
I turned to my left,
yet no one was truly there,
I could not say as much as I used to,
so I kept mostly to myself,
it was a good endurance test,
to see how much I can keep,
so I stared outside of my window.
But, it was my fault,
as this was not the first,
I am a nobody,
I have nobody here,
everything I touched was ruined,
No one dared to be near me,
well, not many at least.
It was my fault,
I'm sorry,
I could not be your friend,
because I never knew how,
I'm lousy, I know,
again I'm truly sorry.
So today I stare outside my window,
and said nothing,
and I might continue to daydream,
and I would close my eyes,
so that I don't have to see that clear blue sky.
the days passed by in this sweltering heat,
the days have passed as fast as it could,
the days I did not know how long,
I did not really speak to anyone.
I did not really speak,
as there was nothing in common,
nothing I could relate,
I kept quiet,
my thoughts were the only noise it made,
I just sit there with my mouth shut,
staring outside of my window.
The clouds seemed sparse,
just a wash of blue all over,
that clear blue sky,
that I despise,
it was too clear for my liking,
as my feelings are not as clear,
I was truly annoyed.
I turned to my left,
yet no one was truly there,
I could not say as much as I used to,
so I kept mostly to myself,
it was a good endurance test,
to see how much I can keep,
so I stared outside of my window.
But, it was my fault,
as this was not the first,
I am a nobody,
I have nobody here,
everything I touched was ruined,
No one dared to be near me,
well, not many at least.
It was my fault,
I'm sorry,
I could not be your friend,
because I never knew how,
I'm lousy, I know,
again I'm truly sorry.
So today I stare outside my window,
and said nothing,
and I might continue to daydream,
and I would close my eyes,
so that I don't have to see that clear blue sky.
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Hello My Friend
Hello my friends! and Welcome, come all!
Don't be shy! Step right up!
And see the wonders of the stage,
We have various acts for you to enjoy,
Acts that suit to every peculiar taste buds.
How about an act of the lovely?
just like you would ever dream,
a chorus of angels serenade your every whim,
easy like plucking daisies,
sleeping on beds of roses,
smell its pungent fragrance,
until your nostril could wilt,
but not to fear as this is a lovely act,
not to scare or fright,
just sit back and don't worry your pretty head,
and enjoy in this lovely act.
How about an act for those brave of heart,
O, you like the scariest and not afraid of the dark,
let me warn you my friend this act is not for weak of heart,
We sometimes walk the the valley of tears and despair and horror,
some see death, some see sadness, and some even see madness.
Screams can be heard at night,
Cries of desperation and help joins the orchestra as well,
We feel pain and despair,
We experience death and loneliness,
We see and hear madness all around us,
But you see my friend,
if you are still well and alive after this,
you will become stronger than you ever could.
Or my dear friend, you are those
Who love the performance of the genuine,
for you can be anyone you so wish,
without daggers stabbing your very back and heart,
Are you those that want to be left alone and be
The person in the mirror,
let me tell you my dear,
your reflection don't lie
Just your eyes love to play tricks on you,
if you look close enough,
there is still the same,
don't let lies and cynical laughter distort your vision,
for we are all actors in this huge stage called life.
A few words of wisdom
that my dear friends once wrote to me,
"All the world's a stage,
and all men and women merely players,"
We maybe players on this stage but
"The powerful play goes on, you will contribute a verse".
Don't be shy! Step right up!
And see the wonders of the stage,
We have various acts for you to enjoy,
Acts that suit to every peculiar taste buds.
How about an act of the lovely?
just like you would ever dream,
a chorus of angels serenade your every whim,
easy like plucking daisies,
sleeping on beds of roses,
smell its pungent fragrance,
until your nostril could wilt,
but not to fear as this is a lovely act,
not to scare or fright,
just sit back and don't worry your pretty head,
and enjoy in this lovely act.
How about an act for those brave of heart,
O, you like the scariest and not afraid of the dark,
let me warn you my friend this act is not for weak of heart,
We sometimes walk the the valley of tears and despair and horror,
some see death, some see sadness, and some even see madness.
Screams can be heard at night,
Cries of desperation and help joins the orchestra as well,
We feel pain and despair,
We experience death and loneliness,
We see and hear madness all around us,
But you see my friend,
if you are still well and alive after this,
you will become stronger than you ever could.
Or my dear friend, you are those
Who love the performance of the genuine,
for you can be anyone you so wish,
without daggers stabbing your very back and heart,
Are you those that want to be left alone and be
The person in the mirror,
let me tell you my dear,
your reflection don't lie
Just your eyes love to play tricks on you,
if you look close enough,
there is still the same,
don't let lies and cynical laughter distort your vision,
for we are all actors in this huge stage called life.
A few words of wisdom
that my dear friends once wrote to me,
"All the world's a stage,
and all men and women merely players,"
We maybe players on this stage but
"The powerful play goes on, you will contribute a verse".
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Wherever You Are
How do you do?
Is there anyone sitting here?
Am I interrupting?
Can I be your friend?
Wherever we go,
we will meet new acquaintances,
slowly they we grow,
we became friends.
Can I see myself with a friend?
a true friend?
Can I see myself
sipping coffee and laughing at
anything and everything with you?
It seems nobody's here
I'm sitting under a weeping willow,
staring at the blinding sun,
and closed my eyes
savouring the streams of light.
Nobody's here
So do I have to create that someone?
I never did feel belong,
I never seem to hold on to anyone,
since one touch,
they can slowly slip away,
avoiding me like a plague.
Wherever you are,
can you be my friend?
can I be your friend?
Would accept who I am?
would you still like me when you truly see me?
Wherever you are,
Can I hold your hand?
Would you leave?
Would you turn your back on me?
Would you slowly retreat?
Can I ever befriend?
Is it possible to find a true friend?
What does it feel like?
I do not know,
as I do not know what he or she looks like.
My friends are faceless,
I can't pin point anyone,
I just greet them and be nice as usual,
and slowly they fade,
I don't know who are they.
So I'm just sitting here in
this valley of lavender,
hoping it will soothe my soul,
and let me sleep with a smile,
thought crooked it may be,
let me smile and be hopeful
that I will have a friend.
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Rants 1
2012!!!....where has the time gone?!!
I apologize for being an inactive blogger and was in hibernate mode for the longest of time. My last post was 2011 Oct. Which was a loooong time ago in a galaxy far away (ok...exaggeration much) and I feel it is time to give some life to this sleeping dragon until I get bored or clueless of what to write.
2012 has been not so productive for me since I'm waiting for my posting and with that Beluran stint as a guru interim. I have to say our education system truly sucks (sorry my brain is congealed...can't think of a better word). Students graduated with an education degree have almost given up hope for the ministry as priorities were astray and not give to those who deserved their attention. Only now when election is around the corner that things are looking up and of course to no surprise. Since 'good things' usually happen nearing election, if they still want to proceed with it on June. So, less than a week from now will be the real posting and everyone is anxious to know their designated schools.
As for me, I just hope that wherever I'm going it won't be far from KK and that is all I am hoping for. All of this waiting has got to reminisce about those days where I felt that there were no worries. During uni, I would go for lectures, assignments, hanging out with friends at the mall and worrying about mundane things. But now I worry about my future and I regret for wasting time. Whenever I look at friends' FB (facebook) page, I see they were enjoying life, traveling to places I would one day go or never at all, being financially stable, overall being productive. While I look at myself and being blah but the blame is mostly on me, I suppose.
I've always consider myself as a reserve type of person and keep most things private and being timid as some people might say. I never have the guts to do 'adventurous' things since I'm afraid of failure like most people do. I've never seen myself being courageous or being someone else. You can say I do live in a bubble sometimes. But that doesn't mean I cage myself in a 6 by 8 feet cell.
Also, I resent people that rant about everything on facebook just to seek attention or waiting others to like their posts. IMO, these people seem to feel that its part of their duty to post everything that happens in their lives in every f*****g second and its pretty annoying. Get a life. Stay away from Facebook once in awhile and get a hobby or something. That's why I rarely post personal stuff on FB 'cause I don't aspire to become an attention whore.
I think I will continue my rants on the next post....if there is any going to be a next one...hehehe. Just kidding. I see why people rather use blogs as their outlet than the usual facebook and tweeter. Well I do hope that they don't 'campak' me to somewhere even 'ulu' and far this time. Anyways see ya. :)
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